Monday, August 27, 2012

Is it possible to rekindle a relationship if they don't love you anymore ...

I warn you, this is a long one. I'd really appreciate it if you read it and could help me because I'm very desperate at the moment. I'm in agony.

Yesterday, my boyfriend broke up with me for good this time. He breaks up with me a lot, at least every week but this time it was different because he said that he doesn't love me anymore.

BACKGROUND:
We had been going out for a year and have been arguing a lot throughout the whole duration. The main issue is trust, on my part. I have never been and never will be "good enough" for my parents. They never congratulate me for my achievements, instead they tell me how I could've done better. In past relationships, my paranoia has confirmed the need to be paranoid because in my past relationships, my partner was unfaithful. Also my lack of empathy in this issue plays a part. My ex's past was tainted which always had me wondering if he was cheating on me because that was the sort of person he was, yet I failed to realise that my past was just as bad, maybe even worse so it wasn't fair I was treating him like a criminal. And I never considered that maybe he was different now he met me and had fallen in love for the first time. I am the barer of poisonous thoughts, mainly through my paranoia. They eat away at me. Block me from trusting partners.

HOW IT ALL BEGAN:
His friends are not the best influence, they are immature and sleep around. None of them had girlfriends, morals, boundaries or responsibilities. So I tried my best to stop him seeing them because I didn't think they were good for us. He stopped seeing them much. We'd spend every day together, because I love being with him but also so I could keep an eye on him. He'd comply by seeing me every day and little things like calling me in his lunch break and coming to mine as soon as he had his tea at home. I didn't like him having Facebook so he removed it. I didn't like how he added so many girls on Twitter so he stopped doing it. He smoked but stopped for me. These are just a few things he did for me.

THE REALISATION:
The first 8 months were the best, we still really fancied each other, we had a great sex life and we just basically adored each other. We had a lot of arguments and I would always threaten to leave him to which he'd be begging me to stay, every single time. I took him for granted SO SO much and this is my biggest regret, not just in this relationship but my life so far. Because I took him for granted, I was abusing his loyalty. It began to take its toll and he bit back. I'd realised where I'd gone wrong and tried to fix it but at that point, he'd had enough. He stopped trying. We stayed in the relationship for 4 more months but under great difficulty because now he wasn't bothered anymore, he'd stopped trying and he was the one breaking up with me, several times a week in fact. In a typical argument, we both had parts to play. I'd get annoyed at pathetic things (due to paranoia) and he'd go crazy at me because he had no patience anymore. Every little problem was an argument and almost every argument, he'd want to break up with me and a lot of those times, he did. We argued more or less every day. I want to say I tried my hardest but I only probably tried my hardest in terms with what I was comfortable with. I wasn't comfortable with him seeing his mates a lot or having Facebook so I didn't try that much in that respect and that's where I went wrong. I made no sacrifices or compromises only adjustments. He'd made so many sacrifices for me and I was really unwilling to which is why we are not together now. Now I realise this, with the help from his mum who's been texting me. But I think it's too late. He'd fed up.

HIS FLAWS:
He makes mistakes too, it's not all me. A lot of them stop me trusting him. Like when I ask him to stop breaking up with me whenever he's angry. He still does it because in the moment, that's how he feels. But that doesn't help the trust thing. He's also very angry and short tempered. He always assumes when someone is talking to him about something he's done wrong, they're having a go at him. He never stops to realise maybe they're helping him by just talking about it, not having a go. Also, his own insight into his feelings are poor. When he's in a good mood, he says he's happy but when he's in a bad moon, he'll say he's unhappy. He never tells me how he generally feels about the relationship, because he doesn't actually know. Sometimes he wants to break up and other times he's begging me to stay. He is never really sure how he feels in general, it's all based on the mood at the time. He says the nastiest things when we're arguing and breaking up but then tells me he only said it because he was frustrated. So I never know what to believe.

This applies to the current situation, the past few weeks have been really difficult. Last week, he told me I was his everything. Yesterday, he told me he doesn't love me. Because the past week has been so hard in particular, I have a feeling that this mood has overridden his opinion and has made him think he doesn't love me. When I asked about last week and how he said I was everything to him, he said he must have been mistaken. Now I don't know whether he's saying that because he's being overridden with this low mood or whether he genuinely feels like that seeing as though he's been feeling off for the past 3 weeks but it's something to keep in mind.

PLAN:
I'm desperate to be with the person I love, and I'm hoping he does actually still love me. When I spoke to his mum, he said things that really opened my eyes. I really want to sit down with them both and have her tell us what she thinks we need to do. When two people are in love, they get tunnel vision. All the things she said, I'd never even thought of before and it was really inspiring. I think that if she sat down with us both, we can work out a clear goal to being happy. The trouble is getting him to agree to see me, right now he doesn't want to speak to me, is ignoring my texts and was really reluctant to talk to me when we were breaking up because he had "nothing to say" and didn't want to listen to me. I asked his mum yesterday if we could all talk today but she said she'd have to ask him and I know he'll say no. She's also not replied today. I might ask again tomorrow or Friday and if he declines, I might just speak to his mum because I could really do with her insight. She did say she thought it would "all blow over" but I think she's just saying that because we've broken up that many times and gotten back together. However, I'm worried that in this time, he'll be occupying himself with activities that will convince him he's happy without me. So I'm in two minds whether to act now before he realises he's better off without me or later when he may have cooled off, maybe even realised he still loves me. What should I do?

All I want is a second chance now that I know the stuff his mum's told me but I'm also certain that that's the last thing he wants right now.

Also, does anyone have any words of support for this break up? I lost my best friends last year so I don't have many people to talk to or be with (which is also why I spent all my time with my boyfriend) and my family aren't supportive. I know I should keep myself busy but I find it hard to motivate myself.

?

Source: http://relationship.supportgroups.com/sg/relationship/is-it-possible-to-rekindle-a

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